THIS IS FOR ME.
I AM NOT AMING TO IMPRESS.
I AM NOT AIMING TO SERVE.
I AM NOT HERE TO SATISIFY.
I AM HERE TO BE I.
I AM NOT HERE TO BE MORE OR LESS.
THAT IS ENOUGH.
I AM. ENOUGH.
It’s been a while…
…since I’ve posted anything on here. I’ve been preoccupied and have chosen to post on my new tumblr page (asitsalwaysbeen.tumblr.com). As of late I haven’t been feeling like I have very much to say, nor have I been feeling very creative.I’m currently in a state of stuck, which I’ve been before, but usually I’m quit good at unsticking myself, evaluating my situation, and moving forward. This time, however, I feel like I need to make a bigger leap, take a bigger risk, and really move out of my comfort zone, if I want to make a substantial move “forward”.
None of what I’m saying is very concrete, I know, but I that’s not the point. I don’t think that the facts of a situation really matter. I think people think they matter, or else most conversations between people would sound very metaphysical and abstract. Either way It’s become very clear to me lately that the facts are of no importance and that how we feel drives the way we think about a situation and thus influences how we act.
For the last couple of months I’ve been in a state of observation and contemplation and have refrained from much action. Most of my action has been a product of habit, such as buying lunch at the same places every week, or at the demand of another, such as doing my homework on time. I’ve been unable to act from a truly genuine place, and I think the reason for that is that I have lost touch with this place and I wonder if I have ever been in touch with it.
I had a conversation with my grandmother this afternoon and she could sense that I was in a state of confusion. She asked me very straightforwardly, “What is it that you want?” I told her, “To be myself.” She said, “You are yourself, you’re always yourself.” I suppose she’s right. Jeeze…I’ve forgotten what my problem was in the first place…heh. Well, thanks tumbler, umm…How much do I owe you?
Just made this a couple minutes ago.
“Temper Trap does the Breakfast Club”
Wes Thinks I’m Cool
Enough with cool.
Enough with interesting.
Enough with right.
Enough with wrong
Too much wanting.
Too much waiting.
Not enough letting
Not enough being.
One side says this.
The other says that.
As without so within.
As within so without.
Enough with it.
I’m finished.
Now I can begin.
Vita Tranquillitas
What is it?
It’s not what you think.
It’s not?
No.
How can you be sure?
Do you know what it is
That I think?
No. If you know then you do not think.
How can I know if what I know has not been thought?
If it has been thought then for certain it is not what you know.
How should I find it?
It’s there.
Where?
It is there. There! It can only be found when you have stopped searching.
Will it find me?
No. It is there.
I am here and it is there. How will we meet?
Did you hear that?
What is there to hear?
Nevermind. It was here.
It was here?
It is nothing.
It is?
You’ve got it.
I have?
It is nothing.
It is?
It is.
It’s a work in progress…
(Untitled) (Original Poem)
I sit and wait for something to happen
A knock at the door
Should I let him come in?
I suppose he’ll tell me
What I already know
I’ll look him in the eye
Allow my annoyance to show
I walk to the door
No one is there
It was the wind that had knocked
It was the eager cold air
I hang down my head
And walk back to my chair
I’ll never have a visitor
Except the eager cold air
How is it that things we imagine often seem more real than those that are actually happening?
Living in the Shadows (A Stream of Consciousness)
Over the past month I’ve been underlining all the words I like out of the dictionary. I started doing this because I wanted to expand my vocabulary and put together a list of words that I could use as a reference. While I was looking up words and reading the definitions something dawned on me. I realized that words are almost like a shadow of reality and the definitions of words are the shadow of a shadow. What I mean to say is that words are simply symbolic representations of the things they stand for. Most people might be quick to remind me that I am pointing out the obvious, but I think that sometimes we forget that fact. I think that we put a lot of importance on words. We have words for objects, and actions and we also have words for emotions and abstract concepts and thought processes. How is it even possible for us to encapsulate the complexities of our thoughts and emotions with lifeless symbols?
With that in mind, it’s obvious that when we use language or words our understanding of them is processed in our minds. We spend a lot of time processing language, especially with the use of the internet and other technologies. The fact that people have been able start romantic relationships over the internet would mean that their connection was based solely on words and not on physically being with each other. The possibility of starting a relationship based on words seems crazy to me. It seems crazy that we are perfectly content living in a world of shadows and mental constructions rather than physically feeling, smelling, and experiencing the energy of the world.
A person could spend their entire life researching oranges, as an example. They could read about what it looks like, what it smells like, where they can be found , how they are produced, or any other aspect of an orange that can be mentally processed. Even with all the possible knowledge that can be acquired through research this person would in reality know nothing about an orange and may not even recognize one if they had come across it in life. They would have acquired a bunch of mental static during their research and produced their conceptual idea of what an orange is; but I don’t believe that is the same as knowing because this hypothetical person would not have experienced the true essence of an orange.
I think what I’m trying to say here might be easily summed up by something Bob Dylan said during an interview: “…we all think we know things. And, we really know nothing.”
